Med School
Characters
Piper - A peppy med school dropout. A firm believer in unethical medical practices, she takes sick pleasure at other's injuries. She runs a back alley hospital. Although her practices are risky, they get the job done. She feels most alive when operating.
Isis - A regular of Piper. She admires what Piper does, and only wishes to become her assistant.
Sebastian - Piper's operating guinea pig, reluctantly. He is the third one of his kind.
Chris - A very logical man. He has a knack for sticking his nose in places where they don't belong.
Setting: Piper's apartment, which she calls her office, operating room, and examination room. Various medical tools are scattered around the room, many of which are rusty, old, and outdated.
Scene one
(Lights up on PIPER and SEBASTIAN in PIPER's apartment. SEBASTIAN is lying on an operating table. PIPER is at the kitchen counter, rifling through a drawer full of tools. She pulls out a curved needle, a spool of thread, and some pliers.)
PIPER: (Turning to SEBASTIAN) Now, let's get that scrape stitched up!
SEBASTIAN: It isn't a scrape, Piper! I was stabbed!
PIPER: Now now, the doctor knows best! (With a devious grin) Want to play a game?
SEBASTIAN: What? Now -- (He cries out in pain, for PIPER has just inserted a few fingers into his wound)
PIPER: Guess how many fingers are in your scrape!
SEBASTIAN: (In pain) Piper, what are you doing?
PIPER: Do it! I'll give you extra!
SEBASTIAN: Piper, are you crazy?!
PIPER: Do it!
SEBASTIAN: I don't know! Uh -- two?
PIPER: Yeah! Okay, guess how many more I can fit in there! Then again, guessing gets you nowhere...
SEBASTIAN: PIPER, NO!
PIPER: (Pouting) Fine! You're no fun.
SEBASTIAN: (As PIPER begins to stitch up the wound) I'm starting to think that - ouch! - that maybe this isn't such a good idea. How many people - ah! - did you say were helping you before me?
PIPER: Just two. Hold still! Why?
SEBASTIAN: What happened - ow! - to them?
PIPER: It wouldn't hurt if you wouldn't squirm so much! As for the others, well...They were...uh. Indisposed.
SEBASTIAN: What do you mean, "indisposed?"
PIPER: Well, let's just say they weren't as tough as they should have been.
SEBASTIAN: Should have been? SHOULD have been? Where are they now?
PIPER: Oh, they're dead.
SEBASTIAN: DEA -- OUCH!
PIPER: There! All finished!
SEBASTIAN: Piper, why are the others dead?
PIPER: How are you feeling?
SEBASTIAN: That's beside the point. Answer my question.
PIPER: No, you answer my question.
SEBASTIAN: I -- (Sighing) I'm about as rapturous as a rapist with a set of sutures where his magic johnson ought to be.
PIPER: Wonderful, wonderful!
SEBASTIAN: (Incredulous) I was just stabbed, you stuck your hand into the wound, and now you won't answer my question. How is that wonderful?
PIPER: (With sudden rage) Now, listen here, Sebastian! I am paying you half of what I earn off my other patients! Half! The others only got a quarter! I took you in off the street! I know your past! No one else will even think of hiring you! So don't you dare question me! (Back to her regular, peppy self) Oh, two down now, but who's counting anyway! (She laughs and SEBASTIAN stares at her in shock. The doorbell rings) Oh, the doorbell! Come in!
ISIS: (Entering stage left) Piper, I need your help.
PIPER: Oh, hello, Isis! I was just stitching Sebastian here up, but we're finished now, aren't we Sebastian?
SEBASTIAN: You still haven't answered -- (He falters as sparks fly from PIPER's eyes)
PIPER: (With contained fury) Aren't we, Sebastian!
SEBASTIAN: (Meekly) Yes.
PIPER: Good, good! Now, what seems to be the problem?
ISIS: (Nervously) Well, a few weeks, my boyfriend and I were fooling around, and, well, one thing led to another, and... (Taking a deep breath) I'm going to be very up front about it. I need an abortion. (Producing a coat hanger from within her coat) I brought this, but I'm not sure how to do it. I don't have very much money, so I can't go to a hospital, and, well, you were the first person I thought of. Can you help me?
PIPER: (Chuckling) Oh, honey, honey. Put that hanger away. You've got better options. Trust me, I know them. Now, your job pays you during pregnancy leave, no?
ISIS: Why does that matter? I can't have this baby, that's why --
PIPER: Answer the doctor, darling. She knows best.
ISIS: I think it pays. But why does that matter? I'm not having --
PIPER: Why, to keep your income steady! Now, are you certain you don't want this baby?
ISIS: I'm positive.
PIPER: Well, how does a nine month long vacation and a two foot coffin sound?
ISIS: (Unsure) But how does -- Piper, that's brilliant!
PIPER: (Flattered) Oh, well, I do try!
(Lights down)
Scene Two
(Lights up on PIPER at the kitchen sink, washing some tools. SEBASTIAN is sitting at the table, nursing a wound on his finger)
SEBASTIAN: (Examining his finger) You know, I think the infection is getting better. It's stopped oozing, at least.
PIPER: Well, that's good. How are the stitches coming along?
SEBASTIAN: Fine, fine. I think you could probably remove them soon.
PIPER: See, I told you! My work is guaranteed to last the length of your recovery. (Pause. With solemn air) They were killed.
SEBASTIAN: What?
PIPER: (Avoiding eye contact) One was shot seven times in the stomach. Even I couldn't save him. The other's throat was slit. He never came back.
SEBASTIAN: Who?
PIPER: The two before you.
SEBASTIAN: The two before -- (Trails off) Oh. Them.
PIPER: (Teary-eyed but bitter) I used to go to med school. Imagine that. All my childhood, I wanted to be a doctor. I saved every penny, quarter, dime, and nickel I found so I could go to med school. When I got there, though, it wasn't what I had expected. Everyone took unnecessary precautions. They were all too serious. So I started doing things my own way. Unfortunately, the people there didn't take too kindly to my sense of humor or my methods. "Unethical" is what they called them. "Practical" is what I called them. So they kicked me out. Every dream I ever had was shattered in a matter of days. But I was still determined to pursue a medical career. It was my passion. Since I couldn't operate on hospital patients, I had to find my own. I'd been dying to find out the hard way. So I started sending my friends out to the alleyway. They'd get injured, and I'd fix them up with experimental methods. In return, I'd pay them. But it had disastrous results.
SEBASTIAN: That's...that's awful. Why are you telling me this?
PIPER: I felt as though I owed you an explanation. (Pause) You've all I have left, Sebastian. Stay. For me. Please?
SEBASTIAN: (After a long pause) Alright, Piper. I -- I trust you. If it helps you, I'll do it. As long as I'll still get paid, of course.
PIPER: (Relieved) Of course. (Doorbell rings) Come in!
ISIS: Hello, Piper.
PIPER: (Back to her peppy self) Isis, nice to see you! What's wrong this time?
ISIS: Oh, no, nothing's wrong...
PIPER: (Faltering a little) Then why are you here?
ISIS: I -- I want to become your assistant.
PIPER: I don't quite follow you, my dear.
ISIS: Your assistant. What you do is wonderful. I want to do the same.
PIPER: Oh, honey. You're serious?
ISIS: I'm serious.
PIPER: You know, in some states, they say you can burn for this.
ISIS: Well, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. Will you take me?
PIPER: (Pause) Why not! But it'll cost you.
ISIS: How much?
PIPER: Fifty bucks ought to cover it.
ISIS: Alright. I can handle that.
PIPER: (Businesslike) Okay. Let's start in with a test of your intelligence. Name some bones.
ISIS: Any bones?
PIPER: Any bones.
ISIS: Um...There's a femur. That's a leg bone, isn't it?
PIPER: Mm-hmm.
ISIS: (With some hesitation, but picking up speed) And there's the...cranium! The mandible...the radius and ulna! The clavicle, the ribs, the sternum...The metacarpals, the metatarsals, and the phalanges. The coccyx, the scapula, the...fibula and tibia! And the pelvis and vertebrae!
PIPER: (Shocked) You -- you just named almost all of the main bones.
ISIS: (Embarrassed, but proud) Yes, I -- I suppose I did, didn't I?
PIPER: That's good enough for now. Now, let's test your zest for the counter-productive.
(Lights fade)
Scene three
(Lights up on ISIS and PIPER operating on various patients. There is a waiting room line in the kitchen. After the two finish with a patient, another one comes to take the previous one's place. SEBASTIAN is acting as a nurse, bringing patients into the operating room and helping them out.)
PIPER: (Voiceover) And so it began. A little hospital of our own. What I'd always dreamed of. Isis learned quickly, picking up tips from me and even discovering a few methods of her own. Sebastian no longer was our guinea pig; we had real patients. He helped them find our hospital and acted as a nurse as well. I didn't view my work as a game anymore. What we were doing almost had a professional feel to it. It's not a bad thing to get professional. It's got a nice ring, at least.
Whenever the medical world would discover some new method of treatment, Isis and I would find some way to perform it. We'd been taking tips from the government, and we were getting damn good at hiding it.
(The lights go out, as if a blackout occurred)
ISIS: What's going on?
PIPER: I think the power's just gone out. It must be the storm outside. Damn it! Sebastian, will you get some candles? I can't see a single thing I'm doing!
PATIENT: Maybe we should wait to finish the operation until the power comes back on and you can see clearly...
PIPER: (With a bit of her old spark) Nah! Don't sweat it! I've got aim like a mack truck!
PATIENT: Wait, but --
ISIS: Hush! The doctor knows best!
PIPER: (Beaming) Good girl.
(The two continue to work on the patient while PIPER's voiceover is played)
PIPER: (Voiceover) So the next time that you need medical work done for cheap, just stop by our hospital. My work is guaranteed to last the length of your recovery, so if anything goes awry, just come back and we'll fix it right up. If you happen to show up and I am unavailable, my partner Isis would love to take care of you. She's a nice, considerate girl. She's thoroughly reliable. (Pause, with particular relish) And she goes to med school.
(Lights fade)
2 comments:
Okay. Feedback.
You need to work on pacing. The first scene is comedic, but the tone shifts for the second. Keep it consistent.
Likewise, characters are not given proper light to shine in.
Okay, Piper is, but she's still a little lacking.
Suggestions, then: Make it longer to make me care more about these people. I know it's a comedy, but you're throwing in an actual plot as well, so make the audience care.
Remember: It doesn't take people as long to read as it took you to write it. Take this into CAREFUL consideration when writing.
It's a good skeleton, though. Now put some meat on it. It's funny, and a very good start.
Coat hanger was a good touch.
PS: Note on the last line: Voice overs cannot grin.
I like it. Some parts, like in the middle, feel as though you should be going deeper. Sebastian is promised he'll stay, then he gets demoted/promoted (I'm not really sure which) to nurse? This feels like you should either skip that scene or elaborate more on it. Sebastian seems to be one of the more main characters, then he's just thrown into nurse and we don't hear from him again? Other than that, it's a little too short. Sebastian is definitely my favorite character, although Piper is entertaining as hell too.
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